i'm pregnant. holy hell. yes, if everything works out as it's supposed to, i will be a mother come december or so. i can say it and type it and yet still find it so difficult to believe. that's part of the reason i haven't felt like writing about it yet. my body is definitely going through changes. ones that i can physically feel, and ones that i can't. it's almost as if i spend an hour being so completely confident and accepting of this, and then i spend an hour panicking and freaking out and thinking why in the world did this happen now? i have no job, hence i have no income. i do have insurance, but only for another month. i don't have a husband, which is fine by me, but hell, i hardly even have a boyfriend.

so how did this happen, you may ask? not literally, of course (at least i hope not), but i'm sure you know what i mean. let's go back in time a bit, shall we? remember the short vacation from my family of about a month ago? in addition to my unintentional breaking of nearly all the windows machines, the cider drinking, the pizza eating, & the general gabbery that took place that weekend ... i guess it's quite obvious what also took place. it was the first time rob & i had done anything (well, anything 'of this nature') in over a year. yes, i do realize that once is all it takes, but come on. ok, it was also technically more than once - my point is that we had no sex life to speak of at all. we caved in to desire and probably just the comfortableness we have with each other, and somehow managed to hit the jackpot. ding! ding! ding! you win! you know, i was just telling rob last night that it pretty much amazes me that anyone ever gets pregnant. from as early as i can remember learning about the amazing event that is fertilization, i've always had this voice in my head saying "damn, that is one obstinate little package of genes."

so here we are. how do i feel? i can't even begin to fully express my feelings. i think i've gone through nearly all of the possible emotions recently. i'm scared. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm amazed. i feel like kicking myself in the ass (and i would, if i could). i think about all these little things that have happened in the past month, that at the time seemed completely inconsequential, but now seem like a hammer that should have been repeatedly hitting me over the head. i sometimes feel like everything happens for a reason. most of the time i have no fucking clue what that reason is, but i think what's more important anyway is how we choose to deal with it. i'm trying my hardest. i'll readily admit that i don't think i'm doing the best job of that right now, but i do think that i'm doing the best that i can, and really ... that's all i can do.

so far, rob knows (well of course he knows. did i even need to say that? no, i didn't.). christina knows. my mother knows. sarah, my very pregnant neighbor friend, knows (and has been much more comfort to me than she probably realizes). gayle, a close family friend of ours, knows. i called lorene (my friend in los angeles) and gave her the news. i tried calling david on sunday. i wanted to tell him the news, and also to tell him happy birthday, but he wasn't home when i called so he currently doesn't know. my brother (the one who lives in japan and just visited) and his girlfriend know. my father and my other brother do not know, and i have no idea when i'll feel comfortable enough to tell them. obviously i will have to at some point, but i don't have to do it right now. my freaking freakshow of a family is an entirely different issue that can take up it's own entry later. if all goes well and rob and i do become parents, there are definitely going to be issues regarding my family's involvement with this child. the only good thing about that is that i'm pretty sure rob & i will be in agreement in that area, which will be helpful.

argh, i still have more news beyond this. can you even imagine? don't you think that the ER nightmare and possible impending parenthood are enough to deal with in one week? well i do, but apparently fate or god or whatever/whoever runs this little thing we call the world we live in apparently does not agree.

now is not the time, though. i have an appointment with my regular doctor this afternoon. rob's going to go with, and because i trust my doctor, we'll lay everything out to him and hope that he can give us a recommendation for an ob/gyn so i can get myself and everything else checked out. we haven't made a decision about insurance past the end of the month when mine runs out. most importantly, i need to go get looked over and probed and all of that now. rob thinks he can pay for everything out of pocket and i think he's insane. we do have other options, though, and we have at the most a couple of weeks to decide what to do about that.

i'm extremely worried because i've been so completely stressed (about this, of course, but about all this other crap that's gone on in the past week, too), which is not good for me nor for baby. also, i'm a smoker which sucks enough for my own health, but you know - i was smoking for a whole month without any thought about what could possibly be going on inside my body. since i've felt positive that i'm truly pregnant, i've been trying so fucking hard to not smoke, but every time i have one - hell, every time i even think about having one, i feel like a complete and total asshole and a horrible parent-to-be. sarah let me borrow some books and they've actually been a big help. if i feel like i wanna smoke - i look at the picture of what's growing inside of me, that honestly looks more like some kind of prehistoric creature than a child-to-be, but it works. i also know that once rob & i have settled with a doctor, he or she can give me advice and more help in this area, too. i'm just scared to death because i know that these first months are the most important and i'm so afraid i'm going to screw it all up. i think i will feel much better after we've actually seen the doctor and we know that everything is ok - or even if it's not all ok, we'll know that and what we need to do from there. i think the whole not knowing anything is what's really driving me crazy right now.

i'm utterly exhausted. i haven't been getting any decent rest lately because of all this worry & concern, and also due to this other thing i haven't even mentioned yet (my trip to the ER). hopefully i'll feel like writing again later tonight. i guess that all depends on how the rest of the day goes.

poohead is laying on the floor next to me, snoring. at least i've still got my cats to love and entertain me.