This is the regret that you make, the something that you take, and the blah blah blah, something something.

But seriously, it's mostly about the BLAH BLAH BLAH and the SOMETHING SOMETHING.

from my last entry: "whenever i have the time, i'm going to move all this junk around." whenever i have the time. that is the funniest thing EVER! it's been over a year, and i apparently have not yet had the time.

of course i had the time to go back & read like 2 years worth of old entries tonight. that was fun, though. lots of things made me crack up. a few things made me tear up. but that's life ... is it not?!

i just figured i might as well post some pictures before i go pass out. i think i can find the time to do that.

whenever i have the time, i'm going to move all this junk around. i'm going to retire the old journal/diary thing since i never seem to write anymore. i think i'll keep it around, but it's pointless to have it be the focus here when i hardly ever update. there are a couple of other things that are in odd places, too, so i think a big overhaul is in order.

i still want to yell at IE some more. damn you, IE!

i couldn't help it. i hated it already. so now everything is kinda messed up again. i'll get to fixing it eventually.

i'm done for now. i'm so sick of staring at this thing. i put something in & then i take it out. i change the layout one way & then change it back. this will just have to do. it's very difficult to concentrate on anything when you've got a 1 1/2 yr old running around screaming & going nuts & mostly just being a 1 1/2 year old. so i try to work on stuff late at night after she goes to sleep, but then of course i'm all tired, too. so ... blah!

if thinks are all wonky, it's because i'm working on the site right now - one bit at a time. things will be in order soon enough.

my mom recently found these pictures from my 6th month of life.

 

hope everyone had a happy halloween - zoe most certainly did!

i know that many of us have extra millions laying around, so why not buy one of these for everyone you love this christmas?

i don't know that i'd spend $50 on it, but i still think that this is a really cool thing.

every day i tell myself that tomorrow i'll quit drinking mountain dew. or at least quit drinking multiple cans in a day. but what do i do every morning? get a mountain dew like it's a cup of coffee or something. i'm so lame.

my husband was upset with me last night. i've been married for almost a year now, and it still feels odd to say that i have a husband. is that weird?

zoe is going to be walking soon - i just know it. it's a good thing that she has some cute shoes.

i need to get more sleep.

i keep forgetting to link this. right now, i can't remember how i stumbled across it, but i thought it was a really cool idea.

Collages in this project are made up of 64 pictures total. All 64 pictures must be original photographs, taken by the collage's creator. Each individual picture in the collage is 100 pixels wide by 75 pixels high, oriented horizontally. Pictures should be arranged in an eight picture by eight picture grid, forming the final 800 pixel wide by 600 pixel high collage.

i thought ... what could i take 64 pictures of? then it dawned on me that i already had 64 pictures of something. browse through the list. there are some beautiful collages there.

there's a restaurant we go to a lot that uses butcher paper for tablecloths. they have crayons on every table so that the kids can write & draw. when they're done, they can put their handiwork up on the wall for all to see. here are two pictures from our last visit: the first is just a picture of one of the covered walls, and the second is a closeup of our favorite creation. it wasn't the message itself that made it such a gem - it was the affirmations of the message.

never seen this before. it's kinda creepy.

we've been watching six feet under just about all day long. i think i could watch it all week long. granted, i'd run out of new episodes. and damn that, too. oh well, it's not as if i haven't already seen these episodes before. multiple viewing goodness.

we went to california (sacramento) last weekend so that zoe could meet more family. it was a nice trip, but it was even nicer to get back home. miss zoe was a champ and did really well with all the time on the plane.

we rented a car, which we took back on sunday morning. yesterday afternoon, the rental company calls up rob & asks when he's going to turn the car in. eh? he faxed them a bunch of the paperwork, so hopefully they'll get it figured out here soon.

i've been not updating. i've been not writing and/or answering emails. i use the computer daily, but generally, i read some stuff and that's about it. then later i think about how i should have wrote about this or that, or how i should have answered that email from weeks ago. blah. i don't know what my deal is. part of the reason i set this thing up was because i thought i could find the time & motivation to write short bursts of my babble rather than trying to sit down daily, collect my thoughts and put them into words. i'm not doing that, though.

i also forgot to write an update about miss zoe's 4-month checkup (which was nearly a month ago now as she'll be 5 months old on monday). she was up to 14 pounds, 14 1/2 ounces and 25 1/2 inches tall. of course she's even bigger now. some of the 3-6 months clothing is already getting too small. apparently baby clothing is like adult clothing in that the same size in different brands is not the same size at all. good thing they start 'em out young with that.

i don't know what my problem is lately. i'm just horrible about updating this thing. it's not as if i have absolutely no time. granted, it's here and there around miss zoe and other business, but still. it's not as if i have nothing to talk about. i guess part of it, though, is that most of what i'd sit down and write about is just my ranting on about something or other. and that gets old.

my brother is here visiting from japan this week. i think we're going to go out tomorrow night and do something. i suppose one of the grandmas will babysit for us. see what a great mom i am - i haven't even figured that out yet.

i updated miss zoe's photo album today. my favorites are here, here, and here.

i think i'm about done. i still have some entries to import & more templates to edit. it took forever, but the end of the road is finally in sight. so for now, here's a picture of my lovely girl.

miss zoe & i went shopping at the garden center with my mom, sarah & ms. lily. we bought some plants & a cute dragonfly whirligig thing.

continue on for pictures.

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday, dear mom
happy birthday to you

now you listen to me, mister. god did not put me on this earth to be awakened by filthy suggestions from a foul-mouthed hooligan like you. and as far as our granddaughter, i'm sure she has more than enough sense to steer clear of the likes of you. now good night and good bye!

yay for rob fixing up the wireless network and making it possible for me to use my computer online again. who knows ... i might actually write a proper entry here soon. until then, hope you're all having a happy new year.

i don't know what shall become of this diary. lately, i cannot seem to get it together enough to update even somewhat often. there's just too much happening at once, and i don't see that really changing any time soon. perhaps i should just give it a rest for a few months and see what happens.

• my poohead went to sleep forever on friday. i'm sad & lonely and also trying to fight that "i should have done more" feeling. it just hurts and it's going to take a while for that to subside. it feels like i've lost a child.
• rob & i got the marriage license today. we can't actually do anything about it for three days, so the plan is to get married on halloween. christina took me shopping last night to help me pick out something to wear over this big belly. after several hours of saying "who in the hell would ever wear this?!", we did manage to find something. i would have been fine wearing my pajamas, but christina & my mother weren't having any of it.
• i gained three more pounds. i went to my gd/nutrition class and have been checking my blood sugar four times a day. so far it hasn't been high once. so bollocks to their diagnosis, i say. i'm going to keep doing what they tell me, though, as i hope they know more about this crap than i do.
• rob's mom is moving down here shortly. she's leaving idaho on the 29th i believe, so if her trip goes ok, she should be here by next weekend.
• it's been raining for like 6 days straight now.
• i'm thinking about turning my big belly into a disco ball for halloween.
• i guess that's it.

it's been a while. the past couple of weeks have been rough. they've now diagnosed me as a gestational diabetic, which is making me nervous. i also have a lot of skepticism about the whole thing, so there's that. i've already signed up for some class next week, so at this point i'm just trying to deal with it and trudge along.

on top of that, the poohead is seriously ill.

well, i'm still alive. lately i've been feeling like crap most of the time. i cannot get used to all this extra weight. i feel like a zeppelin and my feet are always tired. when i went in last week for my checkup, i'd gained 6 pounds. 6 pounds! in 2 1/2 weeks! argh. that's 21 pounds total now. i failed the one hour glucose test (again). oh yay. i'm on a diet starting today, and then i go back in on monday to do the 3 hour one. also, i'm anemic, so i have to start taking daily massive doses of iron. argh again! that's probably part of the reason i've been feeling so worn out. that, the extra weight, and not being able to sleep well because it's nearly impossible to get comfortable in the bed (or anywhere, to be honest).

argh. i think it's time to give up. i've been working on new layouts for this thing for over a week now, and i hate them all. there's nothing actually wrong with any of them, i just can't say that i really like any of them, either. i'm being difficult.

i keep thinking about my lack of proper updates lately. i mean, i have no excuse. if i can't get it together now, can you imagine what it will be like when i've got a baby to take care of? yikes. i need to rediscover the motivation to write that i once had.

rob came over after work tonight so that we could try to decipher his new insurance plan. sheesh. it's a weird one, that's for sure. i decided to cook dinner, so i made pizza and salad. it was all yummy. the only thing i changed on the recipes was that i decided since i was supposed to roast the garlic and the onions anyway, i might as well roast the pepper myself, too, instead of buying some in the jar. i did all that last night so that all we had to do today was assemble the thing and bake it. it was good, good, good. i actually had fun cooking, too, which i don't usually enjoy all that much. rob is a much better cook than i am, anyway. he can just go in the kitchen, throw some stuff together, and it's all yummy. i pretty much always need a recipe to follow.

oh brother! can't these people just get over it already?

yay, we didn't get flooded. (thanks for the concern, you!) apparently the storm just fizzled when it hit land and we were on the lucky end. i know lots of people did get flooded, and having been through that i can only say that it sucks and i feel for them. my house got some new guttering last week and that seems to have solved the problem of water getting into the front bedroom, which is great news.

i have so much unpacked now that it actually feels like i'll soon be home again. of course i've still got a ways to go, but comparatively, things are moving right along.

my bathroom floor is clean now. some s.o.s. pads and 409 did the trick. oh, and also a paint scraper. i was afraid the pads (and the scraper) would screw up the ceramic tile in there, but it worked out ok. in other house news, though, it got flooded again. well, one corner of the front bedroom did. i guess i shouldn't say that it flooded because it wasn't under water, but apparently water seeped in somehow and made the carpet damp. argh. that problem needs to be fixed quickly. a couple of months back i thought the carpet was damp in there. my mother didn't agree, though, so i figured i was just going crazy. perhaps i shouldn't doubt myself so easily.

i should be sleeping, but you know how that goes. yesterday i went over to my house and decided to work on some of that cleaning. that bathroom floor is being way too difficult. the stuff that rob & i had bought a while back to try on the floor didn't get it clean, either. i don't know how i'm going to get all that black crap up. i don't even know what it is - it sort of looks like scuff marks from shoes. all i know is that nothing i've tried so far works and it's really starting to piss me off.

rob & i hung out for a while last night. he wanted coffee, so to the coffee shop we went. i ended up with a sprite. he asked if i was hungry and i told him he shouldn't have asked, because lately i'm pretty much hungry all the time. i'm pretty sure that i've now gained 15 pounds. argh. it's all belly, too, it seems. i believe the midwife told us that 25-30 lbs. is about average, but i've still got 4 months to go. also, it seems like everything makes me burp lately. while it hasn't so far been really uncomfortable or anything, it is annoying and sometimes embarrassing. i guess i've got heartburn to look forward to.

i watched hannibal earlier. it was alright. i didn't read the book, so i can't make any comparisons. i didn't know gary oldman was in it, and i had no idea that was him until the credits were rolling. i guess i wasn't paying attention at the beginning. were there even credits in the beginning? i'm sure there were. i guess i just missed them somehow.

i didn't sleep well last night. i had a hard time falling asleep, and then once i finally did, i hard difficultly staying asleep. then, around 11am, i was awakened by my mother & sara (carpenter guy's daughter - i've been spelling her name wrong). i think they have nearly finished everything up, but i'm really not sure. apparently my mother had asked them to do a couple of extra things that i didn't even know about, and that's why they keep ending up back over here. i got closet doors today, but only one is working correctly on the track, so at some point, they'll be back yet again to take care of that.

yesterday i met a bunch of old co-workers for lunch. sebastien's going to be laid off and omar quit, so both of them are out of there on friday. we needed one more wonderful wednesday. this restaurant used to be called "wonderful vegetarian restaurant". yes, that was the proper name. we normally ate there at least once a week, and after a while, the middle of every week became wonderful wednesday. the restaurant has since changed names, but the food and the ritual have remained the same.

carpenter guy came back friday & saturday to finish stuff up. all is done at my house other than i still have no closet doors in my bedroom. i think they finished up everything they were working on here at my parents'. on friday, carpenter guy's two daughters came along. the oldest (sarah) is eight and the younger one (katie) is four. what a handful. we went to wendy's for lunch and then to see lilo & stitch. that was enough to wear me out for the day. despite the whole getting worn out thing, though, i had fun hanging out with them. so very cute. i still can't believe i'm going to have a girl. i think one will be more than enough for me.

we're back from our trip.

i'm a year older.

it's a girl.

back later with more. ok bye.

we're off to tennessee tomorrow. i'm not even sure where my relatives are living now, as they've moved since i was last there, but i know they're still near pigeon forge & sevierville. our plan is to leave tomorrow and arrive sometime late thursday or early friday. we'll spend friday & saturday there and then start back on sunday. i'm going to miss all of my animals again. christina is going to come and take care of everyone while we're gone. wish me luck (actually, my mother & i both need it) that my father doesn't drive me insane.

blah. lately, that about sums everything up. i don't know what's wrong with me. i have a pretty strong suspicion that a lot of this is the result of my decision to quit taking my anti-depressant. last time i went to the midwife, she expressed concern about it. she didn't outright tell me to quit taking it, i just did that on my own because i started worrying about it too much. now i just feel all negative and anxious, and i'm afraid it's only getting worse. i go back for my monthly appointment this thursday, so i'll talk to her about it then.

i am now about 90% moved back into my house. rob came over last night & helped me move the majority of the crap i still had over here back to my place. i've still got to unpack, of course, and there's stuff that's in my house that needs to be moved around, also. it just feels so much closer now, and that makes me happy. carpenter guy was supposed to be here in the morning to hang my kitchen cabinets, fix a door that won't shut now because of the carpet, and fix my closet. something came up, though, so there's a chance he may show up & a chance he may not. we'll see. the sooner that stuff is done, the better.

how did july get here so quickly? it doesn't feel like july. at the same time, though, how is it possible that i'm only four months pregnant when it feels like this has been going on for like ten months? i feel so anxious about everything to do with baby. i'm not sure how much of that is first-time mom stuff and how much of it is just me being a weirdo. it feels like i've been pregnant forever even though i've yet to gain even ten pounds and i've yet to feel any baby movement (i hear this should be coming relatively soon). so in the same breath i want to say "i don't even feel pregnant yet!" does my exasperation indicate that i'm not as maternal as i (think i) should be? i hope it's just me feeling baffled because this is all so new.

blah. how boring has this thing been lately? i haven't had much motivation and i haven't been feeling creative at all, which is really starting to bother me.

friday i babysat rob's kitten. i can't believe i had that kitten over here being cute all day and i didn't take a picture of him. i don't know what's wrong with me. we had lots of fun playing and napping. he also made friends with ms. zira, and found her cage to be the most fun place because she has so many toys. kitty's name is asphyxiation, which was already given to him before he came to live with rob. rob decided it was a fitting name, though, so he kept it. when i stayed at rob's last week, i missed my cats and my bunny. now that i'm home with all of my babies, i miss his kitty.

my thyroid levels are fine, so hooray for that. my 1-hour glucose screen came back high, though. bugger. i'm on a diet until wednesday. nothing except water after midnight that night, and then i go in for my appointment at 10am on thursday and i'll have blood drawn three times over three hours. oh, yay. all of the other stuff they checked for in my blood was ok, though, so at least i have that. hopefully i'll pass the 3-hour glucose tolerance thing and be done with this, although i'm sure that even if i am, i'll have to be tested again further down the road.

my insane brother was here from thursday - sunday. actually, he seemed to be sane on thursday, but from friday on, it was the normal cannot-deal-with-you craziness. saturday night i went and stayed over at rob's just so that i could get the hell out of here. he got a kitten this past week. and of course he's just too cute (the kitten, although of course i think rob's cute, too). while rob was attempting to sort out the mess of cords behind all of the computer equipment that occupies his living room, i played with kitty until we were both tired. actually, somewhere in there rob made me some veggie quesadillas that were really good, and also probably made me want to go to sleep even more. i know that i passed out before rob came to bed, and i think kitty did, too, but i'm not sure about that. rob said he banned kitty from the bedroom at some time during the morning because kitty was up and he wanted us to be up, too.

last night rob, my mother & i went to see jesus jones. yep, my mom went with. i was actually going to blow the show off, and then one day last week my mom is all "we need to get tickets to jesus jones!" eh? never would have assumed that she really wanted to go. i think she'd mentioned it and i'd kind of blown it off as well because i thought it was more like "i'll go with you if you can't find anyone else who wants to go." (which wouldn't be a surprise - usually, none of my friends want to see bands that i want to see.) anyway, the show was very good and i just felt bad for the band that they didn't get a better crowd in there. i don't know if it was truly just nobody giving a shit about jj anymore (some guy in one of the opening bands was like "wow, i didn't know they were still around" "DUH TO YOU!" i say), or that it was father's day, or maybe a combination of the two. the club wasn't empty, but it certainly wasn't packed, either. oh well, anyone who lives in houston and considered going, but didn't - bollocks to you! iain wasn't there, so he was replaced by a DAT tape and that was ok. i thought they sounded brilliant. rob was never really into them. well, certainly not like i was (most people weren't), but he said he thought they were excellent. my mom also had a good time and she went out to dance for the songs she knew. heh. she even brought her camera, and took some pictures of mr. edwards for me, who by the way, is as cute as he ever was. i wanted to buy the new cd, since it was for sale at the merchandise stand for less than i'd pay through their online shop, but then rob was insistent about me buying a t-shirt, also. he ended up paying for both. the silliest part is that the biggest t-shirt they had was a large, so i imagine i won't be able to wear it for much longer here anyway.

i still haven't heard back on my labs from last week (though i should know something tomorrow) nor the ones i just did yesterday. so, no news to report there. as much as i'm not anxious to get big & fat, in a way i wish it would come sooner. i'm feeling all bloated & it seems like none of my regular pants are comfortable anymore, but at the same time i'm not large enough to fit into maternity stuff yet. argh. perhaps i could try some of these low rise pants.

that's another thing, though. i'm pretty much clueless as to where to shop for maternity stuff. gap & old navy both only sell maternity clothing online (i think old navy sells it at stores in SF and NY, but that's no help to me). sarah said she bought some stuff from motherhood maternity, and they have stores here, so maybe i'll go check them out. i went to an old navy outlet store today and bought a few things that i'll probably only be able to wear for another month or so because i'm duh like that. i did buy a couple of cute little baby sleepers for $1.99, though.

i bought ghost world on dvd, even though i've yet to actually see the movie. i figure i will like it, but if i don't - well, too bad for me i guess. it was on sale, and it's been like fifty years since i bought any dvds, so i just thought "what the hell?" i also bought the 20th anniversary edition of tron because, well, because it's the 20th anniversary edition of tron.

i think it's getting close to time to change this layout again. of course i love badtz maru, but i doubt i'll ever leave any design here permanently. i can't even remember when i last changed it. i think it was after my trip to japan, though. hmm. it appears i changed it on january 27th. yes, i think it's about time for an update. of course i haven't been feeling very creative lately, so who knows when it will actually happen.

i'm a rabbit.what kinda pet are you?
quiz made by muna.

thanks to damodred for the pet quiz.

random movie quote:

"you and i combined make the perfect woman."
"no. you and i combined make the perfect political prisoner. what we really do well is act self-righteous and starve."

again, i have been neglecting the hockey. neglecting to mention it in here, anyway. go red wings! see, i have to root for the wings because every other year in history i have rooted against them just to irk david. now that david is all moved away and i miss him, i feel like i should root for his team. my mom had been pulling for the avs, but after the massacre that was game 7 in the western conference finals, she said "i see red!" and changed her tune. she passed out the other night after the 2nd OT - she couldn't last any longer. my dad likes to make stupid comments about things my mother & i do, just because he's like that. if he walks through while we're watching hockey, one of his favorite things to say is "blood on ice!" where he got that from, i don't know. i thought of him during the third OT, though, when duchesne took that puck in the mouth.

i think i know part of the reason i haven't been updating as regularly. if i write, it seems all i have to say are things like "i went to the doctor today" or "i finally have the ultrasound scheduled" or "they think my TSH level (thyroid) might be low." not very exciting stuff, now is it? not really. i did go to the doctor today. he upped the dosage on my anti-depressant. oh yay. i did get the ultrasound scheduled for friday afternoon, so that's finally taken care of. midwife thinks my TSH level looks low, so i'm off to an endocrinologist tomorrow afternoon. he seems to think it's normal, but he's going to see me and do more lab work anyway. oh double yay. also, i think i'm getting a bit of a belly now. my scale says if i've gained anything, it's only like 2-3 pounds, but for some reason it feels like it should be much more than that. i looked through some belly galleries last night, and i have to say that those end of the road bellies look so frightening. check out this animated gif from 8-40 weeks. yikes.

since i've been so bad about updating, i thought i'd come back and add another entry. technically it is a new day now, but it still feels like sunday.

will i ever get back to updating normally? it's not looking too good. i don't know what my problem is. honestly, i just haven't been spending much time using the computer at all lately.

rob & i went to eat dinner at macaroni grill. i was all confused for a while there because the dish that i always get wasn't on the menu anymore. then i realized that it actually was still there, but they've changed the name of it. what's the story on that? of course i guess if i went there more often, i'd know these things. oh well, it doesn't really matter. it was yummy and that's what does matter.

i keep saying "i'll write tomorrow." then tomorrow becomes today and i don't write. i don't know exactly why i've been like this, but i think part of it must just be hormones or something. my thoughts seem to be erratic and i also feel like i'm changing my mind about stuff two or three times a day. so anything i write will probably be rambling, and then there's also the fact that i might write something and then feel differently about that very same thing a hour later. i guess i've officially gone nuts.

i wonder if dubya will enjoy his trip to berlin.

also, i wish i understood german so that i could read all of these.

Do you swear a lot? quiz by maikamariel

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty

i'll be heading out in a while to go meet up with my friends who got me a ticket for episode II. sometimes i forget how awesome my old co-workers are. of course the movie doesn't start until 12:01am, but several of them are already up there in line so that we can get good seats. they did this when episode I came out, too. there was a playoff game (hockey!) that night, so david & i drove straight to the theater after the game. we got there before actual movie time, but late enough that there were already about a million people there. i was so glad that we had friends who had been up there nearly all day, waiting in line, or else we would have got the most crap seats in the theater. so there's a group of them already up there now (2:45pm) & milton said that there isn't much of a crowd yet, so the movie theater people are pretty much just ignoring them.

yay hockey! but boo, stupid wolves! what an exciting game, though. rob was late getting there because of work, so he heard the first goal on the radio on his drive in. exelby was being a big goon. i can't believe that he only got thrown in the box once. actually, their whole team was gooning. they had 3 penalties going at one time and my mom was all upset about the fact that it didn't leave them with only 2 players on the ice. heh. wow, 61 shots on goal - of course they did play 94 minutes of hockey. also, yay for my boyfriend scoring a goal! man. look at that DOB: 11/16/81. good god, he's just a baby. oh well, he's still a cutie with his red hair, and that's all i'm gonna say about that.

they gave out 'rally towels' to the first 2,000 people there last night. actually, i think they gave away more than 2,000 because we actually managed to get one. normally when the # of anything they are giving out is that small, we're out of luck. anyway, the label on the rally towel proclaimed 'made in pakistan'. hmm. i made some comment about the people who actually made the damn things wondering something similar to "what the fuck?" and rob's comment was "towels for the infidels!" i dunno, it was just bugging me all night for some reason. for once i think 'made in china' would have actually been comforting.

what other news do i have? hmm. well, my back still hurts. damn me and my stupid non-healthy back. i had scoliosis surgery when i was 15. can i just say that sucked? 'cause it did. of course without it i'd be so much worse off now, but still. ouch. rob & i were in a minor car accident about 3 1/2 years ago (we got rear-ended) and after going to the doctor complaining of back & neck pain, i found out through x-rays that my rod was broken. oh yay! however, after going back to the doctor who actually performed my surgery, we were told that this was fairly common and that i had nothing to worry about. i guess you have to trust the doctors, right, but man - every time i look at that x-ray it still looks completely fucked up. it makes you think that rod should be sticking straight out of my back (which of course it's not). yesterday my back was hurting so much that i went and bought on of those work belt things. i feel like a big dummy walking around with it on when i'm not actually doing any work, but it seems like the lumbar support is helping. i've just been wearing it off & on - or i'll put it on when i have to get down on the floor for something, like tending to ms. zira. i just wish my back would heal already as this whole pain thing is really getting quite tiresome.

random movie quote:

"you're like one of those chatty cathy dolls, except i'm not pulling the string - you are. blah, blah blah!"

i've gone days without updating again, and i don't know why. yay me. i've had time to write - i just haven't. my sleep schedule has changed considerably in the past week. i've actually been sleeping at night. then i've been waking up around 5-6am, which is just ridiculous. this matters because i always feel more creative (and am usually more productive) during the nighttime hours.

i'm feeling tired, so i'm not going to write a proper entry tonight. i do have a bit of exciting news, though.

sun, june 16th ... jesus jones

hey, i didn't say that it was going to be exciting for you.

...

p.s. why does someone from .se keep visiting my diary after googling for: trap mice "my mom" mouse ?

why does dland do froobily things like not updating all of your pages? i've had this problem before when i've changed my layout. i think a lot of us are familiar with the whole half of your diary still having the old layout thing. today, i decided to break the diaryrings that i run off into their own page. in the nav, i added 'rings i run' and then decided that sounded stupid. so i went back and edited the link to read 'my rings' instead. so now it's all bollocky and some pages say 'rings i run' and some pages say 'my rings' - what's the story on that? i hate emailing andrew every time this happens going "can you please fix it?!" of course he always does (with the exception of my old broked rings page which i just gave up on a long time ago), but i just feel like a lame-o when i'm bugging him about stupid crap like that. i think that this time i'll just not bother. people who read this thing will just have to deal with two differently worded links pointing to the same place.

... blah ...

I Will Die of Natural Causes. Your choice of life style has enabled you to live a nice long life.. To eventually die of a stroke, or was it a heart attack.. Either way you out lived just about anyone that gave a shit about you anyway.. Congrats Find out how you will die, Take the Death Quiz now!

now i can't stop. they're just so cute.
again, i got the bases from josie's dollz

blah. i haven't written anything of substance lately because i've had absolutely no motivation to write. i'm going to assume that this is just a passing phase. wow. i just checked my archive and it's been a year, to the day, since i've started writing in this diary on a regular basis - and now i have no motivation. is that a sign? perhaps. maybe i'm stagnating. it's time to renew my gold membership, which i of course don't have to do to continue to use dland, but if i am going to use dland, i'd rather be gold. according to an email i got today, i guess i have 9.98 days or so to make up my mind.

i tried to put my bed frame together yesterday. for the most part, it's complete, but i'm missing two small screws. during the flood, all of the screws, nuts, bolts, etc. for my bed frame got wet. don't ask me how this happened, as they were all in sealed plastic bags - sealed as far as i could tell anyway. so they got wet. they were all yucky and rusted. i went to home depot one night with one of each thing i needed to see if i could get replacements. the guy that was helping me wasn't actually very helpful. all he did was not find me any replacements and lose one of the screws in the process. then yesterday i managed to somehow lose another one of the same damn little tiny screws, so now i need two. hooray for me.

my house is getting closer and closer to being liveable again.

i swear i'm going to break all these windows machines before it's all over.

bugger. this layout looks like crap on rob's machine. am i going to fix it? no, because i don't care that windows sucks. poowah.

i don't have much to say about the oscars. unfortunately i'd seen very few of the nominees this year, so it wasn't like i was rooting for any particular film, director, actor, actress, etc. - that's probably why i fell asleep before the show was even over. i missed all the big awards and just found out who won this morning. i didn't see monster's ball and i don't want to take away from halle berry's moment, but i have to say this: "It is for every nameless, faceless woman of colour that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened." she forgot to mention that it helps if you look like halle berry. honestly, that has very little to do with ms. berry herself, and much more to do with my own issues with hollywood.

she put highlights and lowlights in my hair, so for a while there i looked like the queen of aluminum foil. ok - just now when i was searching for a picture of how ridiculous one looks with foil wraps on their head, i ran across this. heh. anyway, i did find a suitable picture:

this is just silliness.

random movie quote:

"look, it's a school of whales."
"they look a little bit old for school."
"university then."
"university of whales."
"they look like dropouts to me."

the counter piece of the kitchen furniture that i bought forever ago is finally assembled. it was quite a job. actually, the only part that really sucked was attaching the top. it's solid birch and the thing is like 26" x 58" - so it's freaking heavy for one thing. there's eight screws that attach it to the base. there aren't any pre-drilled holes for these screws, though, like there seems to be with everything else from ikea. what's the story on that? that so sucks. and it gets even worse - you have to use a little tiny screwdriver on them because the wood that holds the drawers in place prohibits you from using a normal one. i was cruising along with the power screwdriver up until that point. i was working on it a couple of days ago and rubbed a blister on my palm, so i took yesterday off to give my hand a break. i finished today and my palm is all hurting again. i tried wearing these work gloves that my mom has, but they didn't prevent me from getting a blister. the two cabinets are assembled as much as they can be for now. really all that's left is attaching the doors, and you're supposed to do that after they're attached to the wall. on the first page of the instructions, it has some assembly tips. translated to english, one of them reads "it is advisory to be two people during assembly." huh?! the ikea translators need to lay off the crack.

i sometimes wish i could live in an ikea store. i know that some people think it's crap, but bollocks to you, i say! ok, i can sympathize with the chair problem. i also bought a chair from ikea that was crap. actually, i think he and i must have bought the same chair, because mine did that whole knock you downwards thing, too. rob and i called it the ejector seat. i have bought tons of other stuff from ikea, though, that hasn't been crap. some of my stuff that got flooded is still in good shape. i tossed my two chest of drawer units because the particle board soaked up a lot of the flood water so they were just ugly and nasty. my cd storage thing is fine, though. you can tell it got wet if you look at the back, but the front is fine and it's just as sturdy as it ever was. the back of the thing is always against a wall, anyway, so there you have it. problem solved. maybe i just have better ikea luck than andrew.

of course you can buy better furniture, but most likely not without spending a lot more money. ikea stuff is almost always in my price range. so until i win the lottery or something and can afford to buy furniture from herman miller, knoll, blu dot, minotti, mitchell gold, b&b italia, modernica, ligne roset, etc., i'll stick with ikea. more realistically, i like some of the things at both storehouse and crate & barrel, but they're still too pricey for me right now.

...

yikes.

...

remember that old (shampoo?) commercial where the girl told two friends about it, and then they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on? well, you should take that idea and apply it to this quiz.

...

*Take The Gap Toothed Celebrity Test!*

(of course i'm david letterman. who else would i be?!)

I'm the badass burgundy patent Doc Marten...
I'm cool as hell, I'm deep,
and maybe a little dark

Which Doc Marten are you?
(by *coffeebean*)

Darth Vader Tall, powerful, and the darkest of the dark. You've got armies, fleets, and the dark side of the Force wrapped around your little finger, but you still have a soft spot for that little wuss you call "son." How sweet. Take the Imperial Test at Bucketheads!

last week or whenever that was that rob was here & he helped me find an sftp client, he was freaked out about my having so much crap all over my desktop. "it's so unlike you! actually, i kind of like it." it is unlike me. i'm horrible about creating ten million folders with stupid names, but it's like there's order in my chaos. you know, i'm one of those people - it's a mess, but i know where stuff is. normally, though, i keep my desktop pretty free of clutter. nothing stays there very long. i either do what i'm gonna do with it and trash it, or i end up storing it on a drive somewhere so i can find it later. right now i must have at least 15 folders on the desktop along with a ton of loose files. i mean, crap is everywhere. it's ridiculous.

so i got to thinking about this, though, and now it sort of makes sense. ever since last summer (read: the frigging flood), i've been pretty much living out of boxes. for the most part i did a pretty organized packing job, so stuff that belongs together was packed together. i had no idea what was in each box, though, so whenever i wanted something, i'd have to go digging through box after box until i found the right one. i'm pretty sure that living like this would normally drive me insane, but i haven't really had much choice in the matter. i had to live like this, so i suppose i just learned to manage. somehow that's transferred to the way i use my computer as well. my desktop has become a symbol of my current state of being - completely disorganized.

random movie quote:

"heineken?! fuck that shit! pabst! blue! ribbon!"

...

please, for maria's sake, go take this quiz. already taken it? take it again! it's fun! yay quizzes!

i was feeling like total crap for two days straight. it felt like i was trying to get the flu. i had sort of a head cold going on, i was achy, my stomach was upset - all that good stuff. i also had nightmares both nights, and i was crying a lot. crying about anything & everything. after "what the hell is wrong with me?!" went through my head several times, it dawned on me that i'd neglected to take my stupid effexor both days. sheesh. i'm not sure about the nightmares, but all those other things seem to be pretty common side effects of quitting effexor xr cold turkey. the stupidest thing is that i didn't even mean to quit - i just forgot to take the damn pills. it's kind of scary, though, that it freaked my body & my brain out so much, so quickly. i don't like that.

so for me to say that my state of mind hasn't really improved much over last week is probably needless. not yet, anyway. now that i'm back to taking my drugs, i'm hoping that things will get back to 'normal'. normal isn't great, but it's as sure as hell better than this.

it's dark. it's distressing. it's deplorable. lots of other d-words, too, but i'll just give up now.

...

p.s.

I love you man. You are probably the drink with the most fan clubs ever. A lot of people depend on you and your caffeine content to keep them up all night. Others are just addicted. Find your inner cola.

i found that one via dave. i would have been confused if i wasn't mountain dew, considering how horribly addicted i am to the stuff.

wednesday was so awful. thankfully, things have been much calmer since. i realize that my account was ambiguous - i mean, it was purposely ambiguous. to better communicate how truly dreadful it was, however, i think it should suffice to say that someone nearly died. literally. 911 was called, and for quite a while, we had an ambulance, a fire truck, and 4 police cars parked in front of the house.

received a message in my guestbook from someone who works tech support at roadrunner & i got a google hit for 'gobshite'. i tell you, it can't get much better than that.

i'm feeling guilty & a little sad for a dumb reason - to most people, anyway. there's been something living (or at least spending its nights) in my parents' attic for the past month or so. whenever i'd hear it moving around at night, i'd tell my mom about it the next day. she's heard it a couple of times herself. last night i heard it up there earlier than usual, so i got my flashlight and went to check it out. it was a rat, so i'm sure there's a whole colony around.

a remarkable thing happened this week that i haven't yet documented. on tuesday, i received my first bunny kiss. bunny kisses are quite rare, so i felt very special. zira is the cutest and sweetest and bestest bunny in the whole world.

roadrunner is all sucking. damn you roadrunner! damn you all to hell! the service has been quite spotty lately. i think i'm going to have to complain.

there was just an ad on bbc america for some crazy hair tool called quick braid. have you seen this thing? you're supposed to take strands of hair and put them in these little clip things on the end of it. then you push a button and it spins around to make a 'braid'. aren't braids supposed to have 3 pieces of hair? anyway, it looks like what it would more likely do is pull your hair out. i wouldn't let anyone near my head with that thing. but you can make 'funky hip hop braids' or 'crazy cool braids'. bollocks, i say.

it's been an odd couple of days. yesterday was full of family weirdness. i wish could have just disappeared. i ended up writing an email to rob last night, mostly because it's just easy for me to talk to him about that kind of stuff. he just understands. he's had plenty of family weirdness in his own life, and because we dated for many years, he's dealt with my family weirdness personally.

while watching the little pre-show thing before the olympic hockey game started today, i decided that i would root for team canada. i'm not canadian, and my buddy, brett hull, was playing for team usa. i could not, however, resist mr. brodeur, mr. yzerman & mr. sakic; and besides, it's just fun to root against the usa sometimes. and it's hockey. canada should win ... just because. and win they did! man, that was a good game. HOORAY CANADA!

i think i'm all better now. i've felt pretty good the past couple of days. i don't know what that illness was all about, but i'm glad it's gone now. i did finish painting my refrigerator on sunday. it looks good, and it looks even better back in the kitchen where it belongs.

i helped my mother hang some mini-blinds earlier in the week. the first one took forever because we were having trouble screwing in the screws for the supports. when we did the other two blinds, we hammered in & removed a nail first, and then used that hole for the screws. that made the whole screwing ordeal not really an ordeal at all. i'm paying for that first one, though. my right shoulder blade is all sore like someone's been repeatedly punching me. that's why i was looking for my tiger balm. i never did find it. when i was watching hockey on the olympics earlier, i saw a tv ad for tiger balm. i know it was just to taunt me, because i have never before in my life seen ad for it.

for the past month or so, sarah's been working at this podiatrist's office. just basic clerical stuff - answering phones, creating & maintaining the files, etc. early last week, she asked me if i would go in and work for her on wednesday & thursday of this week. she had jury duty the first day, and on thursday she was going to the doctor. i agreed, but before last week ended the podiatrist had hired a new girl that was going to take over the billing & miscellaneous medical stuff, so sarah said they probably wouldn't need me after all. on monday afternoon, though, sarah called and said they still wanted me to come in on thursday. the new girl was going to handle wednesday by herself, but on thursday they had more patients scheduled and figured she might need some help. i went up there for an hour or so on tuesday so that sarah could show me whatever i needed to know. i met britt, the doctor, and she seemed really nice. the new girl wasn't around so i wouldn't be meeting her until thursday.

i've been feeling like crud for the past few days. i don't know if i'm trying to get sick, or if i actually am sick and just don't know it. whatever is going on; it's annoying. on the plus side, though, it's fixed my sleep schedule so i'm sleeping during the night again. it will be sleepytime as soon as i finish writing.

i have black paint under most of the fingernails on my right hand. the weather here was gorgeous today, so my fridge got hauled out into my back yard so that i could finish painting it. i would have finished today if not for the fact that i ran out of paint. i had figured that two cans of the appliance epoxy would be enough, but i need another can. the fridge is completely painted, but i don't have two coats on each side. it will be done tomorrow. it's turned out much better than i thought it would. i wasn't really thinking ahead when i started painting, and that's why i've got all this paint under my fingernails. i also managed to get it all over my arms & in my hair. it's spray paint, so the mist went everywhere & i had a light coating of it all over me. i'm brilliant.

argh. my brother just came in here - but thankfully he's gone again now. he's still driving me insane. i'm not sure how soon i'll reach the end of my tolerance with him. actually, i think i reached the end of it a long time ago, but i just keep my mouth shut for the sake of my mother. her having to deal with him, too, is enough of a headache.

cleo, the kitty, has completely lost her mind. i think zira agrees.

random movie quote:

"adele, what kind of cuckoo-brain carries a cactus in her purse?"

no cooking classes for my mother & me. they were already full, so bollocks to that. someday i should take a spring roll rolling class. whenever i make spring rolls, the first ones always end up looking like crap. by the time i get to the last of them, though, they look pretty good. it's like i finally start to get the hang of rolling them - but at that point it's really too late.

for i don't even know how many years, my favorite restaurant was this place called 'asian restaurant' - quite original, don't you think? unfortunately for me, they closed a couple of years ago. they served typical chinese & vietnamese dishes, but the thing i loved about the place was the fact that they had an entire vegetarian delights menu. when i first found the place, i was a non-meat-eater. i do eat meat occasionally now, but i still prefer meals without any flesh involved. the 'fresh vegetarian spring rolls' from the asian restaurant were the best food in the entire world. i could have lived on them. the only things that i'm certain were inside the rice paper were tofu, wheat gluten, bamboo shoots and some type of lettuce, but man, they were absolutely brilliant. then of course you also got some of the yummy peanut sauce they had, that was unlike any other peanut sauce i've tasted in my life. i can make my own inferior version of them, but it's just not the same. when asian restaurant closed, i decided to pick another favorite restaurant, which is now also history. at that time i decided that i would not have a favorite restaurant again, for fear of dooming some nice place.

david called earlier today, but i was asleep & missed his call. damnit. he left a message saying he'll try back tomorrow, so hopefully we'll connect then. i wonder how things are going for him in florida. maybe he hated his job and has already quit and is coming home?! bah, that would suck for david. i do miss him, but i also want things to go well. he needs some good luck for a change.

random movie quote:

"everything you create, you use to destroy."
"yeah, we call it human nature."

sometime last week, my mother asked me if i wanted to go to this artisan bread baking class with her. it sounded interesting, and it was free, so i said yeah. she told me it was tonight (wednesday). then this morning she comes and tells me "that class was last night! we missed it!" so much for honing our bread making skills.

i went through my bookmarks and deleted a bunch of crap. sites that i bookmarked & never went back to, ones i don't visit anymore, etc. a friend sent me this link a long time ago, so it's quite old, but if you haven't already seen & read following the chaps man, you should. it's very entertaining.

i usually don't mind being alone. in fact, there are times when that's all i want. occasionally, i get quite introverted and i definitely need some time with myself. being repeatedly alone, however, is dreary. no one to laugh with. no one to comfort me. no one to care. alas, i know that my chances of meeting an exceptional guy are about as good as my chances of winning the lottery. how depressing is that?! quite often i think about how i don't really seem to fit in anywhere. this can only reduce my chances of finding mr. wonderful, if he's even out there. grumble, whimper, complain, sob. people tell me to not be such a pessimist, but i think it's beneficial. if things turn out good - i'm pleasantly surprised. if they turn out bad - i expected it anyway, so i'm not all that upset.

hooray for fergal

there's a flower shop near my house that had the words "funeral desings" painted on the outside for years. not funeral designs, funeral desings. when i say years, i really mean years. i remember my rick & i making jokes about it - so that would have been at least 7 or more years ago. it faded over time, so they recently repainted. they did not, however, make corrections. so now there's a nice fresh coat of paint announcing that funeral desings are still available. i wonder ... do they seriously not know how to spell designs? perhaps nobody has ever mentioned it. or did they do it on purpose? maybe it's a joke to them, as well. who knows. does it even matter? no. i just can't help being amused that they painted the same damn spelling mistake on their building again.

my father named the kitties: ramses and cleopatra. they are very cute, very affectionate, and so very rambunctious. they're into everything. it's been so long since i've been around young cats that i'd completely forgotten how curious and full of energy they are. ram had his first encounters with my cats today. he apparently met guns this morning. i didn't witness it, though, so i'm not quite sure how that went. this evening he decided to go upstairs again and met roses this time. she made that threatening cat noise at him (the meow that's almost a growl), which prompted him to turn around and run. she chased after him, quite quickly. she was probably going faster on her 3 legs than he was on his 4. they were halfway down the stairs before i yelled out her name - loud enough to startle her & get her to give up on the chase. i don't want to deal with any cat fights, and i'd be afraid that the young cats might have the advantage. roses is one tough cat, though. she may be 13 years old and have only 3 legs, but i'd be willing to bet that she could still kick his butt.

i was going to write earlier, but then the cable modem went all wonky. i'd been scanning stuff from my trip to japan for a couple of hours, and i thought "how typical that the cable modem should quit working now." all appears to be fine now.

in that couple of hours spent scanning & cropping & resizing stuff, i only managed to get through new year's eve. this means i still have about a week to go. sheesh. i haven't given much thought to how i want to lay it out or anything. i suppose that the scanning will be the most time-consuming part of this project, though. once i actually start building the diary, it should move along pretty quickly.

i forgot to mention this, but when i returned from japan, my other brother had a gift waiting for me. i now have mr. pink. yay!

argh. i'm still so very tired, and now i'm also ill. blah blah blah, and that's all i have to say about that.

i'm back again. 2nd entry. i'm hoping the jet lag will go away soon. please bear with me. i haven't gone back to sleep yet, and i have discovered vh1 classic and all these old videos are bringing back so many memories. sometimes it's a good song and i'm happy, sometimes it's a bad song and i'm cringing (or laughing), and sometimes it just makes me think of something that doesn't really have much to do with the song anyway.

i'm all messed up today. i guess jet lag got me, big time. i feel like i don't even know what i'm doing. that is why i will not write much. i feel like i'm drunk or something. very fuzzy, dizzy, disoriented. my sleep last night lasted from 2am until 5pm today - but it was fitful as i kept dreaming and waking up. very weird dreams, too - what i can remember. i hope it doesn't take too long to get back to normal.

random movie quote:

"what the hell is that?"
"i've been to vidal sassoon."
"you mean you actually paid for it?"